


Small Doses

by megan_ilinx



Series: The Astronomy of Us [4]
Category: GOT7
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, Love, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-16 01:46:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13625958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megan_ilinx/pseuds/megan_ilinx
Summary: mark,you were right.he found me. unfortunately his timing was less spectacular than i would've hoped for,but what can one do?like you said, life has a way of its own.let me tell you though, he's not what i expected. not at all.he's the type that if you take one hit, you're done for.i can only take him in small doses.pray that i keep to my prescription.love,sierra.||||    ||||    ||||in which a girl who wanted love gets more than she bargained for.a continuation of galaxy, stardust and tied up.





	1. hopes and dreams

**Author's Note:**

> lowercase intended xx

mark,

 

i wish i could say that you and aubrey aren't the definition of love,

i wish i could say that jackson hasn't found his world in meredith's eyes.

that you two couples are nothing extraordinary. that your love is usual and everyday.

 

but i can't.

 

the love between each of you is explosive and honestly, i'd be a fool to deny that.

 

i really haven't been a true friend to meredith, not when i stood between her and her light of day when she needed him most.

we both know how intricate the girl is, you a bit better than me now that you had to clean up the mess i made her.

mark, even though she's seemed to forgiven me and we're almost back to what we were, i still feel the guilt when they look at each other, when their hands interlink and their lips meet.

 

how completely selfish was i? to come between a love as living as theirs?

 

am i that desperate to find something like that of my own, that i was willing to try and steal it away from someone i see as my sister?

tell me, how can someone like that ever deserve what they have?

and even feeling like crap as i do, i can't stop the daydreams from building in my head,

i can't stop my heart from longing to be held and pieced together so tenderly.

 

i've learnt something really important this past year. humans can truly be disgusting because of their own feelings.

sometimes it's being human that makes us so nasty.

 

and isn't that so ironic to you?

 

in any case, mark, your letter opened my mind to something.

 

when you're blinded by the things in your head, you can't see the world around you as you're supposed to. everything is blurry and unclear because your focus is never truly there.

you see, i live in my head way too often and when i'm living in the reality of things, i expect it to go as i want it.

how conceited must i be to think that world works according to my thoughts.

 

please take this letter as proof that however messed up i am, i still have the hopes for a love like yours and aubrey's.

i still dream of someone looking at me the way jackson looks at meredith like she holds his being in the palm of her hands.

i'm waiting to be someone's miracle, mark. that's basically what i'm trying to say.

but could i ever be that with the way i am?

 

do you think life will give me that opportunity or is it asking for too much?

i really don't know anymore when it comes to love.

 

i know you said not to look for it, but how can i not when i'm reminded daily that i'm lacking it.

trust me, i'm not blaming anyone for anything, i just need to ground myself and stop the wanting inside.

no one ever gets what they want by moping around for it. i need to somehow pull myself together and focus on everything else in my life.

 

i hope you don't mind, mark, i'm going to be writing to you quite a bit.

 

please do understand.


	2. clean

mark,

 

i was hanging out with meredith the other day and we finally got to truly clear the air.

we were at the laundromat, her doing both hers and jackson's and me keeping her company.

the place was completely empty besides us two, granted it was 11pm.

 

in any case, i finally got to clear my heart of the guilt i felt and in doing so i felt a piece of our friendship fall back into place.

it's not perfect yet, obviously, but i know this will take time. meredith needs time to grow back her trust for me.

she was complaining to me about how jackson is always going around the apartment, cleaning up and doing dishes and never sitting down. she told me how he barely keeps still for more than a few minutes.

 

it seems he's living more in her apartment than his own place.

 

i laughed at how frustrated she was when telling me that he never took a break from anything. that he was always doing something. and even when she was complaining, it was out of concern more than annoyance.

i think that what love really is, constantly caring about the other more than you're ever worried about yourself.

and you know how mer can get, mark, i don't even need to tell you.

 

the point is, she was telling me about  the previous night, how they had finished eating dinner, when he took in their plates and started washing all the dishes.

they had argued over dishes, her complaining that she wanted to do it and it wasn't his job, and him arguing that it wasn't her job either and she had already done enough by cooking.

it was in the midst of telling me this, that she sighed and shook her head saying,

 

**the idiot, i can't believe i love him.**

 

that sobered up my laughter and i couldn't help but admire the soft smile on her face that she was blissfully unaware of when she said that she loved him.

again, the throbbing in my chest started from the guilt. i would never get over it until she knew how sorry i actually was.

i guess i went too quiet, because she stopped folding the green sweater in her hands, hugging it to her chest when she asked me what was wrong.

that's when i finally told her. i told her how i hated myself for doing what i did to her, how it never would've worked out in the first place because jackson was far too hopelessly in love with her.

 

i told her how i never had any feelings towards him but i only gave him that chance because of the longing in my heart for someone to want me like that.

i didn't even realize i was crying until she held me to her. she was stroking my hair, whispering to me that everything was okay, that she understood.

and she didn't let go of me until i had stopped crying.

 

gosh, mark, she's such an angel.

 

she packed up everything she had, the washed and folded clothing in a basket as she told me to spend the night with her.

when we got back to her place, jackson was preparing dinner.

 

that's actually when world war three struck on birdwick street at 1:02 am on a wednesday.

 

mark, you should've seen it. mer had dropped the basket at the door and stormed over to him, she grabbed the closest thing to her, which turned out to be a spatula and started whacking him repeatedly on the back.

 

he was whining and when he finally got the kitchen utensil out of her hand, he was so confused and annoyed. she started yelling at him.

he was meant to be asleep apparently and instead he was up making dinner either way too late or completely too early.

she was livid. and he wasn't fazed at all.

 

believe it or not, jackson got kicked out of the apartment that night. i'm not sure if he went to his own place or crashed at yours, but the scene was pretty eventful.

 

the angry little girl had put the prepared food into a container and into the fridge, all the while muttering angrily under her breath. when she was done, she walked back to me and smiled,

 

**it seems we have the place to ourselves now.**


	3. new

meredith,

 

i hope you know that i consider you as my sister.

 

after everything we've been through, you're somehow still by my side. and honestly, i'm so thankful that you've forgiven me every time i messed up.

i'm pretty complicated, i know that, but you seem to be the perfect kind of intricate to understand me.

our friendship, it somehow just seems to work.

 

but in any case, i was talking to noelle yesterday. i was telling her how relieving it was to spend time with you, to have you back in my life like i knew you to be.

i told her what i had told you two nights ago, about how i want to focus all my attention on something other than what i'm lacking.

she mentioned something i hadn't really thought of. traveling.

you know how she is with going places and exploring and the way she explained it became really infectious.

 

and i mean, what could be more perfect?

 

it's away from all that crowds me, i'll be on new land, land that has yet to discover me as i have to discover it. i'll be nothing but new there.

and, out of sight, out of mind, right?

 

that's how i've ended up here. while i was writing out a list of places i'd want to see, i decided to write you this letter.

i know we've cleared the air and it's almost all good now, but i just want this letter to assure you of one thing.

i'm not overwhelmed by jackson, or you being with him. mer, i'm overwhelmed by the love i see between you two.

but please, don't feel bad about this, because i know you, and i don't ever want you to feel bad for loving the color in your world.

i'm jealous and i don't want to be.

 

you're my sister mer, and what kind of sister would i be if i couldn't be as supportive of your relationship as i'd like to be because i didn't get what i wanted?

 

it's so wrong of me to look at you and him and feel so happy for you but still so envious.

that's actually the right word.

 

i want what you have. not jackson, but rather what he's giving you.

so this is exactly why i'll be going to either croatia, bohemia or somewhere other than here.

i know you'll understand this.

 

mer, i just need an aspect to focus on that doesn't leave me broken and ugly on the inside.

and maybe being a tourist is that for me, i don't know.

 

but i'm willing to give it all a try.

 

so don't miss me too much.


	4. powerless

mark,

 

i really don't know how i feel about you right now.

i want to be angry with you, but i know that i'm actually thankful.

 

your letter was on my passenger seat, unopened on the drive to the airport. that's how far i had gotten.

i had parked my car, left my bags at first in the car in case i would only get a flight a day later. i was walking to the bookings desk, mark, but then your letter burned my palm.

 

and i stopped.

 

for some reason, i wanted to read it before i got my ticket. and i don't even know why.

but because i did, i turned around and went back to my car.

you idiot.

i could've been in paris by now, mark, but i let my pride get in the way and i stayed.

because you told me i was running away.

 

mark, i may be shy sometimes, and i can be terribly awkward as well. but i'm prideful and i think you knew this and that's why you used it against me.

i hope this shows you why exactly i feel angry.

i'm such a complex entity and i've come to realize this myself long ago. my entire way of thinking and personality is is paradoxical.

i can't talk to new people, but the people that know me can't seem to get me to shut up.

i can act like a shy five year old at times, but then there are times where my sass is all i have and i don't keep it to myself.

i can understand why that would confuse people, but there's one thing that gets me every time and it's my pride.

i am not a coward, and i will tell you this again.

 

i am not a coward.

 

i don't run away, especially not from my problems. traveling is not an excuse, but because you can't seem to believe that, i'll show you.

i'm sitting in my place, and writing this hours after coming back from the airport with no plane ticket and my bags unpacked.

you've messed everything up for me, so now,

it's up to you.

 

if traveling is running away, mark, the what do you suggest i do?

honestly, i'm willing to try anything, i just don't want to be who i am right now.

i'd do all that i can to get myself together and find peace with my unmet desire.

tell me where to start overcoming the envy, tell me how to fight off the feeling and tell me how to be the friend you all deserve, mark.

this is all i'm trying to achieve.

 

and you wouldn't let me try something, because you called it running away.

so what if maybe it was? don't we all sometimes do that?

i'm only human after all, i can't be perfect and i most certainly am not.

because, dammit mark, if i was, i would be able to withstand being around my friends and their lovers.

you know, it's really amusing to be annoyed with yourself.

it's so annoying how your emotions can render you powerless.

how dangerous is that?

is this what drives a murderer to take on its next victim?

is this what causes someone to lose their mind?

 

because i swear, even if my envy isn't powerful enough to make me switch off all common sense,

it does leave me with my hands tied.


	5. word of advice

jackson,

 

first off, i had asked meredith if i could write this to you.

 

she laughed at me when i did, but i didn't want her thinking anything when she found out that i had written to you.

 

okay, so now, where exactly do i start?

i guess i'll start by telling you that, if it's worth anything, i'm really happy you realized where your heart actually rested. and believe me, it's in completely capable and trustworthy hands.

not that i really have to tell you that.

 

but the point is, i wouldn't have been able to see meredith broken because i somehow confused you of your feelings. and it just really puts me to ease to see you with who you truly need to be.

 

not only for her, but for you too.

 

i'm sorry to say this, jackson, but you need that girl more than you think. you need someone there to remind you to take a breath and step back for a bit.

you need someone there to take care of you, because you're always so concerned for everyone else and you barely have time to keep yourself in check.

and it's actually so funny, because as i'm writing this, i'm realizing that meredith needs you for the exact same reasons.

you both are always so busy taking care of the rest of us that you sometimes barely notice how torn at the seams all the caring has you.

so stop carrying everyone else's weight on your shoulders, will you? there's a reason why you're only one person.

 

anyways, back to you needing meredith. i think you already know this jackson, but in that little time we did spend together, you always looked for her in me.

don't worry, though, i'm not offended. i had known from the start that she was who you needed to be with. yet, i was still stupid enough to think that maybe there was a chance that i could obtain your love, or just love in general.

back to my point. it was especially at nights that you'd look at me like i was supposed to know something, especially when we were talking.

you were so used to having her by your side, that you expected for her to be in everyone else.

 

oh, how damn overpowering love is.

 

you know when it really hit me though, that time we were watching some stupid romcom. you kept looking at me with this sort of expectation, and when i just couldn't understand, you pulled me into you so that my head was in your chest.

you kept shifting and squirming beneath me, trying to get comfortable but you gave up eventually. i knew why, i wasn't meredith.

i didn't know how exactly you liked to hold someone, or what you actually expected from me when you laid with your head on my lap, facing me.

i didn't like walking the empty streets at night because i would rather be in bed. i didn't need you walking me to and from work because for one, my shifts were constantly changing and two, it was not walking distance from my place.

but put simply, i didn't know you like meredith does and i would never.

 

you guys have always had this particular relationship and obviously it shocked all of us how quickly you wormed yourself into her heart. especially knowing how careful she was.

she's got such a big heart, jackson, and it only makes sense that she protects it.

and you, mister, it took you a damn while to realize where you truly needed to be.

but i can't judge you on that. i'm not you and i don't know what goes on in your heart and mind.

then, i would like to apologize to you again. i played a role in the reason why it took you so long. i only confused you even more by letting you give me the attention that was meant for her.

even knowing that it was wrong and that she was in love with you and that soon enough you'd realize you were too, but still, i went ahead and messed with it all.

 

jackson, you have no idea how crappy i feel for doing that to you guys.

 

i knew better but i don't have a good excuse for it. i can't justify what i did.

so having said that, i want to ask something of you that i regard to be truly important.

don't ever let anyone else interfere in your relationship.

this past incident being a good example, things only get messy when you involve someone else in what is meant to stay between two people.

outsiders will never understand and be able to comprehend your love.

when you need to talk to someone, talk to her. because that's why it's a relationship.

 

and another thing, meredith is pretty closed off (again, you know this already) but she has these days where she cracks. and it's only because she's taken on too much and never gives herself the chance to vent.

it doesn't happen in any pattern or have any sequence. it all depends on her. you can pick up on it very quickly though, it's when she's extremely temperamental and very quickly agitated with the smallest of things.

this usually happens about three days before she completely loses it all. she'll do one the of the following or all:

\- cry silently, never really showing you. she does this when excusing herself to her bathroom or anywhere you can't see her.

\- space out. you could be talking to her and she'd be nodding her head, but trust me, she's not really paying attention and she's usually not even thinking, she's just empty.

\- she'll distance herself, asking constantly for privacy. she won't want to do anything but be by herself. this is basically her trying to recuperate.

\- she'll explode and probably disappear. but you already know where she'll go. the old house where you found her the last time.

 

jackson, this isn't me trying to instruct you on how to take care of her, these are things i'm sure you would've picked up on all by yourself, but i'm telling you this because this is when she needs you the most.

please don't leave her to go through this herself. i know you won't, but when she asks you to leave, don't go too far because she'll call you back only seconds later.

 

you've gotten closer to her than most of us, so consider yourself lucky.

please take these tips as another tiny apology on my behalf.

at some point, i hope we can have a proper friendship, but for now i want to keep my distance until i know i have my sister's trust back.

i only felt it was fair to explain myself not only to her, but you too.

what i did, i did out of the longing for love, but i quickly realized that real love doesn't come from stealing.

you can't force it to be present.

 

and i thank you for teaching me that despite you having to get a little hurt in the process.

 

you're a good person, jackson. i'm thankful mer finally found someone worthy to keep around.


	6. annoyance

mark,

 

well. i don't really know what i'm supposed to say now.

 

i had asked you for help on overcoming my envy, and you, mark, you told me to face through it.

but that's as much as you explained.

 

i don't even know where to start with that, mark. and it's not like i'm not trying. i wrote both mer and jackson a letter, you know?

it's the most relieved i've felt so far. i didn't think mer was right then, but truly putting your heart into the pen does help.

no wonder you all started writing these stupid things, they're such a more effective way of communicating. the receiver may not completely get it, but you as the writer, damn. it truly does make an impact.

 

now, onto something else.

that jaebum guy, what's his problem?

 

he's pretty unreadable. but jinyoung is a real sweetheart. very honest and spunky, and i truly enjoy his judgmental expressions.

it's very entertaining to watch.

 

you know mark, i didn't expect your friends to be so broadly  _diverse_.

when mer told me about them at first, i didn't really expect them to be so different and particular.

but sitting in your apartment, with you, jackson, jinyoung and jaebum all to one side, conversing, it's honestly something.

the girls and i found it really intriguing with the completely different personalities, but it works. each of you seem to serve a purpose in the friendship.

jackson obviously seems to be the one to keep you all on your feet and active, also to keep you all in a good mood. he's the energy ball, simply put.

then there's your voice of reason, jinyoung, which is great because he's not afraid to put you all in your places. i think he's my favorite if i'm being honest. it's probably because even as he's so caring and all, he is still so savage.

 

jaebum, he seems to really take control. i can see it in the way he instructs more than he talks. he's pretty condemning and i don't think i'll ever be able to put up with that.

he's also quiet at times, but chooses to be very vocal on his annoyance of something.

to be truthful, he's a real arse and i particularly don't enjoy the way his eyes scan you but convey absolutely nothing.

maybe i'm just being very judgmental and all, because i'm really blown away by the way mer seems to enjoy his company.

it seems i'm actually not the only one. but then again, i must say, jackson is possessive when meredith talks to anything with a penis.

if i'm being blunt.

but what i must say is jaebum seems to be the type of person that takes a while to understand.

though i can see the storm in him. that's one thing that is very clear. there are calm waters but if something were to trigger to him, the storm raging wouldn't spare you.

i hate that people like this catch my attention immediately.

it's like i'm begging for trouble.

 

you know what really bugs me the most though about this guy? the fact that he spoke to everyone in the room but me.

not that i really made the effort to talk to him either, but then again, i was too busy laughing at the arguments between all three of you and jackson to really talk.

 

back to my point though, jaebum and jinyoung had actually come around to finally meet the rest of the girls, me including. but for some reason, jaebum made an attempt to talk to everyone but me.

now i don't know if i'm overreacting, but really? what is up with that?

i couldn't have intimidated him because truthfully, could you ever see me, a girl dressed in a sweater she could drown in and a walk more similar to a waddle intimidating a guy like him, with a commanding voice, dressed to kill and a gaze that could cut you down to pieces?

 

it just wasn't possible, so what exactly is wrong with me that he seems to ignore my existence?

 

you know mark, this really should not bother me, but it does. really badly.

do i look unapproachable? do i stink? am i just too ordinary?

if jinyoung could make the effort, why couldn't he? i wouldn't have bitten his head off, it would be more likely that he would bite my head off, but no.

instead he sat there, constantly staring me down, with this poker face. no smile, no sign of any emotion or thought behind it.

frustrating, that's what he is. and i don't even know him, but i'm telling you, he rubs me the wrong way.

maybe it's bad that i'm telling you this, since you guy are friends, but you know, i don't really care.

he was rude and i don't appreciate it.

 

this letter was actually meant to ask you for help with my issue, you know, since you were not much help in the last letter. but now, i'm overcome by the annoyance that is your friend.

 

you know what, maybe you should teach him some manners, mark.

does he not know that staring is impolite?


	7. maybe it's me

meredith,

 

mark is such a pain, why are we friends with him again?

 

he's been kind enough to offer me support with my ugly feelings. but you know what, he's not even helping me.

at first, when i had told him about leaving for paris, he was the reason why i never ended up going.

you already know that though, because i showed up at your place the day after, venting to you and telling you all the different ways i was planning on killing him.

 

anyways, after that i had then asked him what i was supposed to do instead, and you know what he told me? to "face through it" and nothing more. honestly, what even does that mean? how am i meant to just "face through it"?

he didn't care to even explain after the second letter, granted most of that letter consisted of me complaining about jaebum. again, you know about this too, because again, i came to you to complain about him as well.

 

i must say, i'm such a pleasant person.

 

but back to the situation at hand. mer, i am trying and i know you know this because you told me you've noticed me progressing. you know what the funny thing is though?

i didn't even feel any progress, because i still felt the same.

 

maybe i'm just getting good at acting or something, because honestly, there's no change in my heart mer, and i'm sorry to disappoint you.

i'd just rather be honest with you.

but you know what? i think maybe i'm just focusing too much on trying to fix it. maybe i should give myself the benefit of a doubt and maybe, with some self trust and healing, i can come around.

i don't know, i just think it's healthier, you know? that's why i've come to you. you're always helping us, and this time i think i'm on the right path, i just need some reassurance.

do you think i should do this? do you think i  _can_  do this? i know you're going to say that it's a stupid question, but i need you to be truthful, okay?

i want to be better. for me, for my friends and especially for you, who i have hurt because of this.

i just think that i'm always so conscious of it when i'm around couples in general that i never just  _not_  think.

 

so i think i'm going to give this a try, okay?

maybe i finally have an answer mer, and i can gain your trust back fully.


	8. one month

mark,

 

you know it's the funniest thing to me.

it's been a full month since i have sent you anything and in that time, i actually have only sent two to meredith. this was to update her on my progress.

which, by the way, is getting somewhere, can you believe it?

 

but now i'm writing you this because within this month, our entire group has been hanging out a lot more frequently. this including both jinyoung, jaebum and two more guys you've introduced us to.

yugyeom and youngjae.

now let me just tell you, youngjae is my baby. he's absolutely precious and his laugh is so infectious. i honestly don't even need to know what he's laughing at to join him, it's that amazing.

yugyeom, damn can that boy move his body. i wouldn't mind watching him body roll all day. besides his amazing talent, and i truly mean  _talent_ , he's also really cheeky.

i think that's the best part for me, when he gets all cheeky but then he laughs and looks all innocent. he's the real definition of 'looks can be deceiving'.

now that i think about it, both of them are.

but back to the point. in this month of us hanging out together and all, you'd think jaebum would've said something to me by now, that we would've had some sort of conversation, right?

wrong.

that guy is a real piece of work and i can't express it to you enough how frustrated and confused i am. i mean, is it that hard to acknowledge my existence?

i'm only trying to get to know him but how am i supposed to do that when he's glaring at me instead of talking to me.

and i would start the conversation if he didn't make me want to pee my pants.

 

like really? what is his problem?

 

this was even more emphasized two nights ago, after we had left that trendy restaurant. it was pretty late and all, but we all had walked to the parking lot together and then said our goodbyes. 

from there, everyone has dispersed to their cars or whoever they were driving with. i had no passengers, so obviously i was walking alone right?

wrong.

can you imagine my shock when i turned my head to the side while walking to my car, in my own world, only to see someone walking beside me, specifically this someone being jaebum.

 

i yelled then, smacked him hard in the chest, telling him how stupid he was for scaring me like that.

do you think he replied?

no.

 

that's when i sighed, i was done and tired and i just wanted my bed. so i muttered a faint  **whatever**  and walked on, not caring if he was walking with me or not, he had no business walking with me in any case.

 

i was not his designated driver. jackson was.

 

but even then, he walked with me until my car. i had unlocked it and opened my door, but i didn't get in yet. i turned to him, confused as hell.

what did he want? was he even going to tell me if he did have something he wanted?

**so, is that it jaebum? or is there something i can help you with?**

i asked, but i got no response, mark.

the pabo turned around and walked away, leaving me completely confused.

 

mark, who even does that?

 

because i was so angry and agitated, i yelled after him,

**yeah, great, just walk away! it's not like i'm a human or anything!**

did i get a response?

no.

dammit, mark, he's such an arse!


	9. attention

mark,

 

the day after, i was at home. it was raining and my shift had been cancelled due to the shop not being open for the next week.

so i used this to my advantage and threw my duvet over my shoulders, plopping myself on my couch with nothing but unhealthy food and mean girls playing on my tv.

it has always been my go-to movie.

 

anyways, while i was in my own little bubble, enjoying the time i had to myself, someone had knocked on my door.

and in doing so, my bubble was burst.

i was already in such a terrible mood, after being left completely confused by jaebum's behavior last night and in result getting little sleep. having no work that day was a true blessing.

but like they say, all good things come to an end.

 

i got up, grumbling to myself as i plucked the door open, ready to let some steam off on the person who dared to disturb me.

but the words caught in my throats when i saw him standing there, all pompous and arrogant.

 

jaebum really is despicable.

 

in any case, instead of yelling at him like i planned on, i rather glared at him and closed the door on him, going back to my haven, also known as my couch.

 

he knocked again, but when there was no response, he actually spoke up,

**_sierra, open the damn door._ **

i didn't move an inch, not because of stubbornness but rather shock. it was the first time i had ever heard the guy speak to me,

much less say my name.

 

and dammit mark, i hate how much i loved the way it sounded coming from him.

i think that's when i finally gave in. he'd already caught me off guard, i didn't want him to make me any weaker than i already was.

but on the walk back to the door, the duvet still over my shoulders, my anger built back up.

the first time he talks to me and it's to command me to do something.

and there i was, the little fool, obeying him just because my name had never sound so good falling from anyone else's lips.

what in the hell was he doing to me?

 

i opened the door, and this time i was prepared to see his sharp eyes, straight lips and squared posture.

**who exactly do you think you are, never addressing or talking to me ever since we met and yet you come here and demand for me to open my door to you?!**

 

he said nothing, but he slipped past me into my apartment, making himself comfortable on my couch, even helping himself to my chocolate.

but you know what's the worst part of it all, mark?

 

i didn't say anything after that. i sat down next to him, made myself a little ball of comfort and pressed play.

 

i wasn't bothered by his presence, i didn't mind that my perfect day alone was gone with the wind, instead, i enjoyed having him there.

throughout an hour his arm was across my lap and my body was significantly closer to his than i remember. he sat there, watching the movie with me, feeding me my candy.

and even though i didn't understand anything of the situation, i accepted it.

because this time i didn't force anyone to be there, i didn't trick him into holding me and paying attention to me.

 

and God mark, did it feel great.

 

it felt great to have someone's attention that wanted to be there.

even though he's despicable and i still don't understand him, i can't deny that i enjoyed having him hold me.

 

especially because when i woke up three hours later, he was still there, holding me close and asleep himself.


	10. left in the dark

mark,

 

you know how i said that i couldn't stand Jaebum and he caused me frustration?

 

yeah, half of that is still very true. in the sense, that he makes no sense.

 

that entire week i had off, he was there. and we were on the couch, with me huddled up to him and him feeding me some or other thing. we had watched so many old movies, movies i had forgotten i had.

somehow we'd always end up falling asleep like the first time. and when i'd wake up he'd be beneath me, peacefully asleep and holding me.

but this got too much for me later on, mark.

 

i was still stuck in my own messes and there he was, only adding to my never ending lists of problems.

we barely talked and when we did, it was either about the movie or him asking if i was cold.

mark, what am i supposed to make of this? is this his form of friendship, because i doubt you two sit weekends cuddling on the couch, with him treating you like a princess.

 

no, not a princess, but a lover.

 

can you see why this would confuse me?

it's like when you dangle a bar of chocolate in front of a diabetic woman on her period.

Jaebum's that bar of chocolate for me. it's teasing you with all the things you could have and what you want, but you know that having it will only hurt you in the end.

and how am i supposed to figure this all out when we never talk, mark. it's getting too much for me.

 

Jaebum is just too much for my system.

 

i don't think he knows this, but he's emotionally damaging me. my heart's becoming an overrun motor, starting to malfunction and break down because it never has a break.

help me, mark, please. i need to know what i'm supposed to do.

i'm starting to grow attached to someone who almost never says a word to me.

i want to know him, i want in on the storm, even if i end up being a casualty. at least then i'll know something.

tell me, mark, you know him best. should i be worried? should i distance myself from him? is he always like this?

i have so many unanswered questions, mark, and i don't know where to get my answers.

he's just too much for my mind to keep up with.

 

mainly, because my mind is struggling to figure him out and i'm left in the dark every time he walks out of my door.

his affection is all i know, but i know almost nothing behind it.

i want to know the things he likes, the things he doesn't. i want to know what happens in his thoughts when he's so quiet. i want to know how he enjoys himself, what is his haven.

i want to know how he came to be friends with you and jackson and everyone else. i want to know what he was like in school, what his relationships are like with others.

i want to know the Jaebum when he's not all arrogant and cold.

 

do you think i stand a chance, mark?

or am i spiraling again?

 

gosh, mark, i'm even more lost than i was a year ago.

one thing is for sure, the bastard has impeccable timing.


	11. overdose

meredith,

 

so i've decided to go ahead and take yours and mark's advice.

 

you're both right, if i don't speak up, i'm just never going to know. and i really can't go through that, not when i've already been in such a mess.

 

it was a weekend, and he had showed up later than usual.

i was warming up a ready made meal for myself because you know how hopeless i am when it comes to cooking, mer.

any case, my door was unlocked when he walked in. i had picked up this bad habit of leaving it unlocked when expecting him, and seeing as he's almost over everyday, it saves me from his impatient knocking.

 

i had just dished up when he came in, leaning on the counter and looking at me.

i asked him if he was hungry but he shook his head, so i shrugged and made myself comfortable across from him.

it was silent as i ate, with him just watching me, and i tried my best to not let it bother me. but somewhere down the line, i had begun feeding him from my plate.

my fork extending to his mouth every second scoop. and every time i would watch his lips part and his mouth accept the fork slowly. he'd grab my hand holding the fork and pull it out of his mouth, slowly chewing his food.

you know, i should have probably been disgusted, but despite everything else, it felt so natural and normal. it felt like it was already part of my life, sharing my things with him.

 

isn't that completely scary?

 

it was after my meal, i walked to the sink and washed my plate, but he grabbed it from me afterwards and dried it. i was about to tell him where to put it, but he beat me to it, reaching for the overhead cabinet and putting away the plate.

in truth, i wasn't surprised. it seemed like i lived with him at this stage.

we then moved to the living room and he plopped down, but when i stood in front of him and made no move to sit down, he raised his eyebrow at me,

**_well? are you going to sit down or what?_ **

 

i shook my head and sighed, sitting down on the coffee table in front of him instead.

this caught his attention then. his eyebrows relaxed and he sat up a bit straighter and watched with me anticipating eyes, but that's one thing about Jaebum. he remains his cool, despite the situation.

**Jaebum, what is this?**

 

i finally asked him, my body tired and weak in front of him.

he remained quiet and so i decided to lay it all out for him.

 

**before you walked into my life, i was a mess. i was a lonely girl wanting something that everyone around her had, but yet i could never reach it.**

**Jaebum, i'm sure you know about the whole situation with jackson and meredith. you probably know what a bad friend i was, wanting to steal away love made for her.**

**that's how desperate i was for love, Jaebum. but now i'm starting to fix myself, i'm starting to look at jackson and meredith and only feel the joy** **for** **her happiness.**

**i'm just starting to get it all together and focusing on the things i have instead of the things i want. but you, you're messing with my head, Jaebum.**

**you gave me a taste of the drug that has me constantly on my knees and i can't risk getting addicted if i don't even know you.**

**Jaebum, you're too much for my body to handle, and these small doses are hooking me in.**

 

**so just** **tell me now, where do we stand?**

 

i looked at him, feeling completely breathless and drained. i had opened the faucet and now i was empty.

it was all out in the open then, mer.

and do you know what his response was?

 

he leaned forward slowly, grabbed my hands and pulled me onto his lap.

mer, he kissed me so softly and tenderly and i stared crying.

here it was, all i wanted and i accepted it.

that day, i overdosed.

 

but mer, my high never left me.


	12. the truth

mer,

 

he stayed over that night and this time we didn't fall asleep on the couch.

i wish i could say that i didn't give into him, mer. that i stood my ground and waited to get to know him. but i didn't.

 

an addict's will is very fragile, mer.

 

and i don't see anything wrong with having him hold me like i longed to be held, when he wants it just as much as i do. i don't see what's wrong with having him treat me like a lover when he does it so well.

of course i still wanted to get to know him, and this morning when we woke up together, tangled in my sheets and vulnerable to the day, he smiled.

and my gosh, mer, is my drug so powerful and tempting.

that was the purest side i ever saw of Jaebum.

 

i told him it was raining and he smiled further, pulling into him.

**_let's just stay here today, like this._ **

i had to contain my joy, i had to stop myself from crying all over again.

mer, he's just too much, but i'm starting to adapt.

i like the Jaebum that he is now with me, the Jaebum that tells me what's going on in his head, the Jaebum that talks to me.

i'm not saying he's changed for me. oh no, the bastard is still as commanding and domineering as ever, i'm just starting to get to know him now.

it's like the first ray of sunlight after a storm, there's a breakthrough.

mer, he opened up to me, it was the most beautiful thing to watch. it didn't even take much.

 

we were laying there, me tracing patterns up and down his arms, across his chest and up his neck. he looked down at me, his eyebrows furrowed and i asked him what was wrong.

**_you bother me._ **

this obviously had upset me. so much so that i sat up, pulling myself out of his arms.

 

but Jaebum laughed and sat up, pulling me back to him again.

**_no, don't just jump to conclusions, you idiot. let me explain myself._ **

so i did, i sat there, looking at him expectedly.

 

that's when the truth came out.

**_when we first met, you really bothered me. you would look at all the couples and you'd smile, but the heartbreak and deep emotions inside of you would reflect on every other feature on your face._ **

**_you were so lost in finding someone that it seemed to cause you physical pain. and i couldn't understand why. why were you alone. here's this beautiful girl, ready_ ** **_t_ ** **_o give her all to someone, and yet no one was there._ **

**_your pain bothered me because back then, i wasn't willing to be that. i wasn't prepared to be who you needed me to be. you wouldn't want me._ **

**_but as time went on, sierra, you became irresistible. i couldn't treat_ ** **_you_ ** **_as cold as i wanted to, because it made me so uncomfortable to see your frustration._ **

**_i didn't want you to know me like that. so when you finally got too much for me, i decided that i would do something about this._ **

**_that's why i would come here, and i thought_ ** **_,_ ** **_if i can't tell you, i'd show you._ **

**_i didn't realize it would only make matters worse for you, sierra. so for that, i am sorry._ **

 

**_but i need to tell you this._ **

 

his hand dropped to mine at this point and mer, i was close to tears again.

my prescription had been filled and now overdoses were all i ever took, because they were available, and i was nearing the edge of not being able to survive without my fix.

 

**_sierra, i fell for you, but i'm sure i made that much obvious last night._ **

**_but before anything else, i need you to know this, i am not an easy person. i'll probably make things difficult for you, and i don't want you to do this if you think you don't want to._ **

 

**_but i can tell you this, sierra, i'm going to try for you._ **

 

mer, i'm a goner and to be truthful, i don't even care anymore.

there's no rehab for the crazies in love.


	13. more to him

mer,

 

it's been another two months now and everyday i get to know more and more about him.

he was right when he said he's not an easy person to handle. he's very dominant. to his friends, family and even more, me.

 

it's not that i mind, because honestly, i find it hot when he takes control and shows me who's boss. but we'll get to that later.

 

what i was trying to say is, Jaebum has ways in which he reminds me of you. something about the way you guys are so against exposing your emotions.

you find it so hard to show what you're feeling personally. if something affects you greatly, you both try to fight it off and bottle it up and when it all gets too much, the bottle burst and there's a storm.

 

Jaebum also has quite a temper, so you can only imagine what it's like for him.

he's very evasive about his feelings and he gets agitated when you ask too much about his mood. he doesn't like people forcing it out of him. when he's ready to talk, he comes to you.

we have a lot of arguments because of his behavior, for one, he's almost as bad as jackson when it comes to being possessive, the only difference is, he gets more annoyed than angry.

 

but we also argue about stupid little things because of our mood swings. i tell you, it's very chaotic in our relationship, but i'm content.

simply put, there is never a boring day in the life of loving Jaebum.

but gosh mer, if it's one thing that absolutely blows my mind about him, it's his teasing.

and i know you know what i mean.

 

he's very sly and i should really hate it, but i can't. not when he's always testing my control in places where he really shouldn't.

not when that devious smirk of his appears out of satisfaction that he got a reaction out of me.

our love is not just all vanilla.

 

mer, he had me up against the wall when we got home last night.

his lips are a sin, and his hands, oh his hands, they leave me a mess each time.

he knows when to be rough and when to love me tender,

i think that's what so addicting about him. he has me all figured out and his touch is my constant salvation.

i truly didn't think that out of all of this, i would fall for a friend of a friend in the way that i did.

 

but damn me to hell,

i love him.


	14. right

mark,

 

firstly, i am going to apologize.

 

throughout all of this, i think you had to deal with most of my emotions and even more, i never got to tell how sorry i am that i had messed with your head as well.

 

can you believe it?

 

i don't know why it happens, and i really am sorry mark, i'm sorry you had to love a mess for as long as you did, not knowing that she was just broken pieces.

 

but i can't be more thankful for the way things worked out.

sometimes heartbreak is only preparing your heart for someone to come in and rearrange the damage your own body has caused it.

you and aubrey, that's just perfect. i would never have been able to make you as happy as she does.

she just a fits to you so well, it's almost unfathomable.

 

but isn't that always the best part of finding then? the way you can't get your head to wrap around the fact that they're so well suited.

obviously, they're not perfect. God knows Jaebum isn't perfect, but his imperfections and humanity is what fits my imperfections and humanity so perfectly.

 

but there's one thing i want to know, mark,

why didn't you tell me?

why didn't you tell me he was the answer?

did you know he would be? because it seems everyone did but me.

 

i was so lost in my own problems that my answer seemed to be false frustration. not that he isn't the core of my frustration anymore, but you get what i mean.

i was sick and looking for a cure, and my prescription was always across the room. quiet and waiting.

how annoying is that?

and you were right, i didn't have to look for him. he came to me, literally.

it doesn't matter that he's a hard person to understand.

it doesn't matter that he confuses me half of the time.

it doesn't matter that we have arguments.

it doesn't matter that in the beginning, i could only have small doses of him.

because now he's my constant fix and i'm probably the luckiest addict.

 

he's not a drug that destroys you.

no, he's what keeps me afloat now. and his body against mine is all i crave.

 

he's probably still too much for my system, mark.

but gosh, is it the best kind of overdose.

i'm myself again, i'm someone i can be proud of again, isn't that great?

i have my friends back and my heart is clear.

 

all because of some bastard with a mess of his own and impeccable timing.

so this is where i thank you, thank you for handling me until he got here. i can only imagine what i've put you through.

if you ever need my help, mark, please let me know because God knows how i could never repay you for all of this.

 

don't hesitate to bother me.

 

love,  
sierra.


End file.
